My daughter has lice. I think I have lice. I'm pretty sure my shag rug has lice. This is my very first time doing this, so I trust you as a respected representative of the medical establishment to dispense the most effective product with the clearest instructions.
Kind Regards,
Sandi
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Dear Sandi,
Use Nix. Comb or pick out all of the nits (the lice will be dead) with this helpfully included lice comb. Wash all of the bedding and dry on the hot setting for at least fifteen minutes. Pack up in plastic bags anything that isn't washable and don't take them out for two weeks. Vacuum the mattresses. Repeat the Nix after seven days.
In two weeks, you and your family will be lice free. Congratulations, and you're welcome.
Your Local Pharmacist
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Dear Local Pharmacist,
Um. Are you sure about all that? We just did everything you said, and I'm still finding live lice two weeks later. Lots of them.
Sandi
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Dear Sandi,
No, really. Use Nix. Did you do all of the things on the list? You probably didn't comb out every single nit, and one was left and it started a whole new colony of lice, or else maybe someone came over to your house and re-infested it. Do it again, and be more careful this time.
Pharmacist
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Hey, you in the white coat:
I'm not stupid. Admittedly, I have one functioning eyeball and the other one has cataracts, but I'm doing all the things, and everyone in my house has lice now. I'm afraid to talk to anyone on the phone, for fear that the lice are going to transmit themselves out of here and my family will be responsible for ALL OF THE LICE.
I just rinsed out a second round of Nix from my daughter's hair, and the lice are still very much alive. In fact, I think I can hear them laughing uproariously in their tiny little lice voices every time I show them this:
So unless you're going to come over here and pick every nit off of every strand of my five year old's head, Superman, don't tell me I'm doing it wrong.
Sincerely,
Sandi
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Dear Internet,
Help. Me.
Sandi
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Dear Sandi,
Mayonnaise. LiceMD, Natroba, You're doing it wrong, Nix, Error 404 Not Found, Crazy mother and olive oil, combing out every nit is impossible, Lindane, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE NOT LINDANE, You must be a horrible mother who doesn't care about the safety of other children, Pictures of lice (better than pictures of dust mites), Why won't anyone think of the children, Lice can develop immunity to treatment, Peanut butter, Here's a Slate article that actually makes sense.
With Love and Affection,
The Internet
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Dear Metal Lice Comb,
This is a little hard to say, since I'm a staunch member of the Ironic Generation, but I love you. I took this picture of you when you were looking the other way.
The way the light gleams off of your shiny teeth is mesmerizing, and I have deep respect for the authoritative way you comb out nits and lice like you're The Boss of Hair or something.
Love,
Sandi
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Dear Internet,
Some advice to add to the maelstrom: by all means, try the lice treatment, but throw away the plastic comb. Get thee a metal comb, and comb, comb, comb every morning and every night. You won't know if it was the treatment or the combing, and (believe me) you won't care.
Sincerely,
Sandi
p.s. The other parents are just as helpless as you.
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The Great Lice Outbreak of 2013 is mostly over, but it threatened most ominously to turn me into a crazy woman.
