May 16, 2012

What The Books Haven't Answered

Dear What To Expect Series,

Thanks for all the hard work you do to terrify inform new parents. I'm so glad that you warned me about penile adhesion, projectile vomiting, and febrile seizures, and even though they have actually happened, I'm thankful that they're on my list of Things To Worry About If My Children Cough.

I feel, however, that by restricting your Q&A section to questions from parents who only ask about things like "My daughter already knows her A,B,Cs, so why should I send her to preschool?", and "How can I stop my son from hitting his friends?", you're limiting your usefulness to the vast majority of us; real parents who have vitally important questions about their child's true to life behaviour. These common behavioural issues have never been addressed in any of the parenting books I've ever read, and - believe me - I've read a lot.*

So, since you've played such a big role in my development as a mother, I thought I'd try to give something back to you, What To Expect, and provide you with a helpful list of the most important questions we as parents are looking to have answered about our children:

Vitally Important Question Number One: Why is the worst thing my son can think of to say to someone is "Go away!", and when can I expect him to start hurting people's feelings like he means it?

Vitally Important Question Number Two: When the house is quiet, and the kids are playing nicely together or even laughing with each other, should I just assume that they're doing something bad like chewing up toilet paper and spitting it onto the window, or should I wait until I walk in on the floor smeared with diaper cream before I get them in trouble?

Vitally Important Question Number Three: Is there a reason why my daughter thinks that the end of the world will come if she can't put every small toy she owns in a bag and hide it in a corner somewhere -

Vitally Important Question Number Four: Why is dressing up in a pink negligee we found at a garage sale No Fun At All unless Mommy puts on the matching robe?

Vitally Important Question Number Five: How can I make my son understand that the seam on his socks doesn't Have To Be Straight or else The World Has Ended?

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to reading your answers in the updated version of What To Expect.

Yours sincerely,


Bonus Question, possibly for use in your upcoming book How To Understand Your Parents' Sense Of Humour When You're An Adult: Is it horrifying that I laugh out loud every time I look at this picture?

* Two.

This time last year: Project Grocery: Party Time